Direct Answers – Column for the week of January 21, 2008

Shall We Dance?

I just happened to bump into you guys virtually, and must say it was a pleasure!  While reading through questions posted online, I realized I had one myself!  So here I go.

I hail from India, and as you may know, Indians have a concept of arranged marriages, which I don’t really feel comfortable with.  But I am 25 now, and though I’ve been in relationships in the past, I am single at present.  So, my parents are on the lookout for a suitable guy for me.

I don’t have much choice because falling into a relationship is kind of slow here in India.   People here are very different with regard to relationships as compared to the West.  But I would like to find someone for myself rather than going into an arranged thing.

A few days back I met a friend’s friend via a social networking site.  I had heard a lot about him from my friends, so I initiated things by sending him a message for the New Year.  He was sweet and prompt and asked me how I knew our mutual friend.   We’ve been communicating via short messages ever since.

My question: how can I initiate a deeper relationship with him, though not necessarily too fast?  I need to get to know him more as I think he is a great guy.  I am by nature a little conservative, so I can’t really take bolder steps like asking for his number.   Also, I would prefer not to involve our friend in this.

I don’t want to come around too strong.  Should I continue messaging for a few more days?  In his last message he said on business he quite often passes by the area where I live.


Daya, shall we dance?  That’s the question posed by a song in the musical “The King And I.”  Shall we dance…knowing there are usually many entries on a woman’s dance card before she finds the perfect partner?  Shall we dance…knowing that many dances end with the thank you which means goodbye?  Shall we dance…knowing that the dance always brings uncertainty?

Yes, let us dance.  Let us dance, because the dance may end with us in the arms of the one we can dance through life with.  Let us dance, says the song, “on the clear understanding that this kind of thing can happen.”

This man, with a little prompting, noticed you across a crowded dance floor.  Your eyes met, and now you wonder, what next?  You are a little reserved.  He may be, too, because no male seeks to be rejected by a woman.

That’s why a woman waiting to be asked might gently sway her shoulders to the music, indicating she would love to dance.  A small signal, perhaps, but enough to make a man start forward.  He may still pass by, she knows, but most likely he hopes to take her hand and lead her to the floor.

An inner thing moves two people who can dance happily and comfortably together for the rest of their lives.  That’s what dating seeks to learn.  A man has said, “I often pass by where you are.”  Can you come forward a little, too?  Can you mention the café where you take coffee or that you like Chinese food?  Can you make an opening so he can ask?

You need not say much or be bolder than your nature, but gently let him know what you may welcome as the next step.  Just as you know you look good in certain colors, throw a soft focus on your approachability quotient.  Make a small inroad.  Give yourself a chance.

That’s not pursuing or chasing.  It’s being available and open.  It’s being able to acknowledge you are willing to dance.  It’s coming forward so another can come forward, if he is drawn to you.  Shall we dance?  Yes.

Wayne & Tamara

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