Yep, I kept wondering why I survived that motorcycle crash. After years of suffering through to recovery and dealing with the sadness over the circumstances surrounding the crash I thought the answer was clear. I was spared to help others, be a light in a dark world. Offer hope and assistance. What a beautiful lie I told myself. This is a rant of sorts, seems midlife hormonal changes delivered this little five day mental state…
Now that 30 years have passed I realize that I’m not a light but rather simply an enabler. I didn’t offer hope. I did for others what they wouldn’t or couldn’t do for themselves. With the title enabler comes constant self sacrifice. And I don’t mean giving up your favorite movie to take some one to the store either, that is being nice and thoughtful. I mean giving up yourself, ignoring your wants, needs, feelings. Hell, someone who puts everyone before them self really has no time for wants or dreams for that matter, I can attest to that. What is even more amazing is that you don’t regret what you did for others and continue to do it no matter how sad you feel. Keep the peace, listen to the bitching and complaining, fix the mistakes and oh yeah don’t look sad either. That will start a whole new series of questions and obsessives. I just try to keep smiling. It worked for years.
Today the vessel is empty. I feel soulless. People close say they love me but I can’t tell them what I’m telling here today. If I did my life would be even worse. They would for sure blame themselves causing me to spend days, maybe even months convincing them otherwise. They like most other humans, forgive but can never forget. This blog was a safe outlet I think. I follow hundreds of blogs but know that none of them read this, thankfully. Not even my family or friends read my blog. So I figured I would get it off my chest. There is no turning back for me anyway so WTF why not try to feel better for a moment.
Being fully aware I made my choices, this life is what I made it. Being a servant to others who are passive aggressive is hard. You get blamed for lots of things because they mull over and over their thoughts and your actions. Their interpretations of your expressions, actions, or words will not be changed. EVER. Before long it’s a daily routine of bitching and complaining, anger and finger pointing with an occasional apology. And it’s always about how they feel and never what this behavior might be doing to you.
I took some medication for the first time today but really wanted to take the whole bottle! It made me stop being agry with myself and that is a good thing. I had a vision of donating ALL of my blood to the blood bank via an exacter knife. Like cut the vein in the parking lot and bleed out into a sterile bag. At least that was the dream I had anyway.
If you are an enabler, an “I’ll fix it for you” person, beware. Behavior such as that might turn you into me! Sell Gold or something but never give clear down to your soul.