Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you have plain old allergies or something more sinister like, say, a zombie virus. We’re here to help! It’s important to know if you’re in danger of spreading an apocalyptic virus to your loved ones, coworkers or laundry guy, so here’s how you can tell the difference between allergy symptoms (even severe ones) and a full-fledged zombie virus.
A rash can accompany both an allergic reaction and a zombie virus. Mild allergy rashes may itch. Zombie rashes are not so much raised and itchy as they are cavernous oozing wounds that seep gore. If you ask your spouse to look at your rash and he or she gasps in horror and slowly backs away, chances are that you have a zombie virus. If your spouse has this reaction to a regular allergy rash, tell them cowboy up, get the cortizone and call the advice nurse. Honestly, this is marriage. They’ll see worse.
You may think that your itchy, watery eyes are just high mold counts in the air driving your allergies bonkers, but if your eyes also have large, sunken red or black rings around them that make you look like you’re going to call back auditions for a “Thriller” video remake, don’t think allergy, think zombie (if you can think of anything other than brains).
Congestion is another shared symptom of allergies and pending undead activity. If your congestion is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced in life, you might be nearly dead or undead. If you don’t feel in any way compelled to control the variety of fluids your body is emitting, you’re a zombie. Put away the decongestant and embrace your new life style (or is it death style? whatever).
With allergies, you may experience a degree of swelling that can make it hard to breath or swallow. These should be watched closely and treated by a professional as needed. When you are a zombie, breathing is optional and swallowing is a courtesy you indulge when you want your victims to feel that their arm isn’t going to waste. Just because there’s an apocalypse on, it doesn’t mean you completely disregard basic manners.
More severe symptoms of allergies often include abdominal pain, cramps, vomiting, diarrhea and confusion or dizziness. These are also zombie virus symptoms in the final stages of transformation, so it’s really hard to tell the difference. But as you start to crave human brains, a zombie virus will reveal itself. If you don’t find yourself craving brains, human flesh, or having lost basic speech, you should seek medical attention for these more severe symptoms.
So, as you can see, telling the difference between a zombie virus and garden variety allergies takes attention to important details and self-awareness about cravings. If you are experiencing allergy symptoms, our treatments can help. If you’re a zombie, please contact local law enforcement (if you still have the dexterity to dial a phone) and turn yourself in to the authorities.