Phyllis Diller is, in my opinion, the original domestic goddess and queen of one liners! Born to an insurance man in Ohio, I thought it most appropriate she kick off my Funny Friday!
Phyllis Diller – Age:
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller – Beauty:
- The reason there are no women football leagues is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- I’m glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I’d be rotten to the core.
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Photos of me don’t do me justice. They just look like me.
- Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.
- No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller – Domestic Goddess:
- They say that housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance!?
- The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
- My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
- “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
- Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle – keep away from children.
- If it weren’t for baseball, most kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
- Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
- I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
- His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- When the pro tells you to keep your head down, the real reason is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
What do you think her take on a fat burner would be?